Having a hard time today and I’m trying to focus on the things I am grateful for.  I don’t talk about it because people act bizarre and immediately go to Serial Killer, College Mass Murderer, and whatever other terrifying image that comes to mind when any thought about mental illness gets lumped together.  It is very hard having Clinical Depression sometimes because it’s not treated like any other illness.  What is bad is not the mental illness what is bad is when it is NOT BEING TREATED.  I just feel sad that the world makes things so difficult for me to have a normal life, when I tell people sleep deprivation is bad for me but yet my neighbors upstairs make noise that wakes me up out of my sleep at any and every hour.  I do appreciate that I have a bed to sleep in, a heater to keep me warm, friends to talk to from now and again.  It’s just hard when you say what you need and people don’t listen to you.  I don’t understand how to deal with a world that is so hateful and vengeful of people trying to do good things everyday because it is not just a choice but a need, I need to do positive things.  The people like some of my former bosses who push people until they snap and they don’t want to hear when they are hurting you and think it’s okay to bully everyone because bullies don’t get punished.  So I guess another thing I am thankful for is that God has made me a good person who does her best not to hurt other people but I do my best to help people.  But this doesn’t mean that I don’t need help too sometimes, and just because I don’t want to focus my attention on every bad thing that happens in my life does not mean that I have no problems but I think because I try my best to focus on the positive most people around me make the assumption that I don’t have problems, that I don’t hurt, that it’s okay to do horrible things to me because I don’t react back the way they treat me.  It is hard to work so hard at being forgiving but I would rather not turn into the monster everyone thinks I am or that they have become or become the person that they have tried to provoke me to be by pushing me to the point of snapping to prove something is wrong with me.  Well guess what, no one is perfect, yes I have problems and yes I hurt but it does not mean I have to do something wrong because someone wrongs me.  I am thankful that I know that.  Knowing this though doesn’t make it any easier to deal with people who are so driven by their fears, hatred, mistrust, or whatever else that makes them scared that they don’t see acting out against me or other people in a hurtful or bullying way does not make them better, that hurting people is not the way to make yourself feel better.
I am grateful for my creativity and I am grateful for my diversity and I am grateful for God, and I am grateful for God carrying me through times that are too hard for me to bear on my own, I am grateful for peace and quiet, I am grateful for the wind, I am grateful for when I can trust someone enough to hold me/hug me or reassure me in someway because it’s not easy for people to get past my wall that was built up from too many bad experiences.  I am grateful for color and beauty and kindness and smiles and beads, beautiful beads made of glass and stone, I am grateful that I can feel the positive energy I feel from the cold stones that I love to use to create necklaces, I am grateful for any positive feelings that I can feel and feel safe with, I just wish I knew where I fit.  I wish I knew where in the world that I can find enough positive people that life won’t hurt as much, I just wish that I can make a life for myself, take care of myself, have positive people in my life, have my peace and quiet and be comfortable in life, I don’t want to make money from things that hurt people and I just wish I could find a way to make a living in life that doesn’t hurt people but also provides for me and allows me to help the people around me.
I am grateful for words, I am grateful for laughter, I am grateful for moments of happiness.
I’m blogging this time to try to win 1 of 4 free coupons which many people I am sure are trying for for www.turtlemountain.com has a new line of products using coconut milk, I would really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to try to new Turtle Mountain Coconut Milk product line.
Great site for looking for a signal, I have a basement apartment which I love for it’s cool peace but this kills cell phone reception and you guessed it, digital signals seem to be a joke for me. There was an advertisement for www.antennaweb.org on tv so I thought it would help me find what super powerful outdoor antenna I should get but it does something cooler it lists all the local stations that broadcast in your area. I just wanted to share this for any of you non-cable people like myself. Don’t get me wrong, I loved cable but I did far less when I had cable. 
http://www.antennaweb.org/aw/Address.aspx
On one end I was very happy to see a site show so many interracial couples but her subtitle is a little not so comfortable with me.
http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/
Other than that, it’s wonderful to see faces that seem familiar to my frame of reference, makes me feel less like I don’t fit somewhere in the world. We all fit but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it because someone wants you to think otherwise or you are in an isolated area, or you just interact in circles that are still growing in diversity.
Anyway, the site is notable, I was surprised to see some of the couple but some I already knew about.
I was walking today, since it was so beautiful and when I walk I think.Â
The problem is, now it’s the end of the day and I have forgotten my brilliant thought I had when I was almost all the way home. I titled this blog Too Much _ CAN Kill you because I can’t remember my exact thought. And in trying to remember my thoughts I was trying to piece together the succinct sentence that summarized my brilliant thought.
Then I realized that sentence with the blank line does apply to a lot of things.
Too much alcohol can kill you…
Too much food can kill you…
Too much stress can kill you…
Too much sugar can kill you…
Too much toxins in your body can kill…
So excess of any kind is not the best way to go. And any toxin, whether it’s an action or a feeling or any type of thing that becomes negative is not healthy. But what I was thinking about at the end of my walk is the feeling of being controlled, being dominated, being isolated, being “protected†into a box of insanity, pressure and the expectations that are put on us by the people who “love†us in our lives. Luckily not everyone has had the extreme form of extremist love that I write of because there are actually a lot of people out there who do realize that there is a MIDDLE GROUND in life. Anyway, my last job prompted this thought.
I just left a job where in many ways, I feel so sad for her but I don’t, I feel sad because she can not be honest as much as she really needs to, but I don’t feel sad because as anyone who has tried to take care of a teenager realizes, teenagers, are extremely cunning.Â
Think about it, as adults we are so worried about paying bills, taking care of responsibilities, putting food on the table, and so many other millions of things but teenagers who really have very little responsiblity given to them get to spend all day in school, much of that time conferencing with their friends on how they can manipulate their parents or caretakers into doing what they want. The strategic planning teenagers can accomplish if they are smart and take advantage of every angle they see, can really make adults feel completely lost while at the same time make you feel like you are so important to them and that they are so happy that you are in their life but meanwhile, they are scheming and sending you in two different directions.
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand this is normal teenage behavior because parents can try to be too controlling and this ends up creating apparently split personality behaviors in their teenagers. I used to think it was bad when teenagers would talk back to their parents, but I’m starting to understand, that’s probably healthier, maybe these teenagers are actually being more honest with their parents.Â
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I was always so stressed as a teenager trying to be perfect but never really feeling like anything I did was good enough for my mother. I spent so much energy trying to be perfect, I didn’t get to develop the assertive side of myself that would have made knowing I had a right to equal pay to men, knowing I had a right to stand up and ask for more like men do without question. There is more to the lack of equal pay than that but it IS a contributing factor I believe.
I see the new variation on the teenager’s personality is to have split personality behavior, some girls end up being the “perfect†daughter in front of their parent(s) and then Creative Story Teller (untruthful) daughter. Now don’t get me wrong, I was smart enough not to tell my mother the terrifying situations some of my friends would get me into but I think even as controlling as my mother was, she would take me to cattle calls/go sees (model job interviews), she would take me to movies, she would take me to things that would make me look good in some way and getting to do those things while having enough independence to be allowed to be trusted to be responsible was great for me.
I know I must admit I am tired and probably rambling but I just know you can not isolate anyone and pressure anyone so much that it suffocates them to death. Suffocation is unhealthy.
I think that might have been it, Extreme Suffocation IS Fatal. Ah, that was it. Now I can go to sleep now.
I remember on my walk thinking as a woman I have lived under constant pressure and limitations at ever turn, as a minority woman, same thing, when so many people put so much pressure, dominate you with so many limitations it can suffocate you to death because you can no longer be the person that you were meant to be, because you know you are oppressed under the rule/reign of someone else.
I don’t know. What I was thinking on my walk bordered on brilliant I think right now, my sinuses hurt and trying to recall my actual words seems to be a task at this late hour.
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